when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
