I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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