I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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