I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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