remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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