just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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