Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
