He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
