Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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