She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
