I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
