The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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