Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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