Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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