We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
