I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The uberlube is also flammable
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
