I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
