there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
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