I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
