I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
