she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
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