she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
