You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
