What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
