well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
