there's paper in my vomit.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
