I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
