I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
