I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
