so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
