Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
