I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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