Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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