He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
