Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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