he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I want her autograph on my taint
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
