the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
