Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
