Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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