so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I love having hate sex.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
