Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
