instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
