Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
