shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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