my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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