Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
