Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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