my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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