he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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