took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
