she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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