You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Is it penis luge time yet?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I have aggressive nipples.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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